Online dating scams: What is a ‘catfish’ and how to spot them

Catfish in New Zealand are a serious problem. They threaten to overwhelm native species, and prey on juveniles. That’s why communities, councils, and researchers are banding together to address the catfish that are threatening our lakes and rivers. 

It’s no wonder that the human version of a catfish is just as reviled. 

But when it comes to human catfish, the financial cost is in the millions for victims of online dating scams, and the emotional toll is incalculable. 

For some insight into this common problem, we spoke to certified divorce/separation coach Bridgette Jackson. As a trained divorce mediator (AIMNZ), relationship coach, member of the Institute of Executive Coaching and Leadership, and an enrolled barrister and solicitor of the High Court of New Zealand, her insights and explanations are also incalculable. 

You’ll find her comments and quotes throughout this piece, so let’s dive right in. 

What is a catfish when it comes to dating?

“Catfishing is the act of deceiving someone, whether they are known to the deceiver or not, by creating a false identity,” explains Bridgette. So, what is catfishing and why is this regarded as a dating scam?

Bridgette explains that this could be someone using someone else’s account on a dating app or website, or it could be someone creating an entirely new account with stolen images and made-up information. 

The goal is to lure victims into ‘relationships’. These online relationships can feel very real, making the victim feel safe and loved with plenty of calls and texts, as well as the occasional photo to make the scam feel legitimate. 

What are the motivations of people who catfish?

Once the victim is emotionally attached, the catfish will start asking for money and favours. This can lead to the loss of tens of thousands of dollars, and by the time the victim learns that they have fallen prey to a scam, they are often too ashamed to speak up. 

“The loss of trust and even financial loss due to catfishing can be profound, leading to a need for increased caution and protection of personal information in online interactions,” says Bridgette. 

However, the main goal of a catfish might not always be purely financial.

They might want to “exact revenge, whether toward a previous partner or related to someone who was a previous one. Alternatively, the motivation is to damage someone’s reputation or humiliate them,” Bridgette explained.

She also added that it might simply be a fun game for some catfish, who want to see how far they can progress the relationship just for the sake of it. 

Common strategies used by catfish

Catfish will either contact you or set up a really enticing dating profile and wait for you to contact them. Then the ‘games’ begin. 

Here are some of the most common strategies they will use to form connections without giving themselves away: 

• They will have everything in common with you
• They will ask you a lot of questions, but won’t share much about themselves
• They might talk more about their business or money-related topics than their family or personal life
• They will push the relationship forward very quickly
• They will use information they find on your social profiles to hook you in (for example, you might have shared a post about loving a certain TV show years ago, then they start quoting it or talking about it)

Red flags to look out for when online dating

Thanks to the repetitive ways catfish operate, there are a number of red flags they wave as they go. Look out for the following signs to tell if someone is a catfish.

There’s always a reason they can’t meet

It’s very likely this person lives in another city, or somewhere that’s not particularly close to you. This gives them the perfect excuse not to meet up.

Then, once you’ve formed a relationship online, they might even suggest meeting in person. But at the last minute, there will be an emotional excuse about why they can’t meet. 

Their photos are poor quality

Us Kiwis are hugely connected and online. Most of us have great quality cameras in our pockets, so that if someone doesn’t have any decent photos of themselves, that’s actually a red flag. 

If their photos are grainy or have poor resolution, that can mean they are stolen, fake, or outdated. 

“Either way, they will not have many photos to share,” explains Bridgette.  

Their communication is inconsistent

Bridgette also points out that inconsistent or vague communication can be another bright red flag. 

For example, you might notice there are holes in stories they share with you, or things that simply don’t add up. They might tell you something about themselves that contradicts something they’ve said earlier. This can signal they’re not being honest about who they are or what they believe. 

Also, keep an eye out for someone who calls you by a pet name such as ‘dear’ or ‘hun’ rather than your own name. If they never use your real name, it’s a good way for them to avoid getting your name mixed up or wrong. 

They will have an emergency and need funds 

Finally, a huge red flag is that your romantic interest suddenly has an emergency and needs funds. 

It could be something to do with their business, a personal matter, or even buying a plane ticket to come and see you. Whatever it is, it will feel very real, and very urgent. They will ask you to cover the cost, with promises to repay you very soon. 

Once you’ve made one payment, they will often ask for more and more and more. 

Strategies on how to stay safe online

As hard as it can be to find love later in life, keeping your guard up can be the best strategy to staying safe online. In other words, question everything and don’t believe people at face value – at least until you have seen that face in person and spent real time together. 

Keep these tips in mind to protect yourself online: 

Avoid sharing personal details 

“Avoiding sharing sensitive information such as your address, date of birth, and financial details is a sensible step towards online safety,” says Bridgette. 

Basically, the less they know about you, the less information they have to use against you or to try to fake common interests. 

Don’t give away your plans and routines

Bridgette suggests keeping mum about plans and routines, such as favourite cafes and restaurants, as well as travel plans and where you would be staying. She also suggests avoiding sharing the names of your friends and family. 

Similarly, be wary of what photos you post online. Some photos can give away your location, or show that you’re away on holiday (leaving your home unattended and more vulnerable). 

Never send money 

Ultimately, the number one strategy to avoid being scammed online by a catfish is to never send money to someone you’ve never met. Even if they have been generous with you, even if they tell you they are wealthy or have a thriving business, and even if it’s an emergency. 

If in doubt, you can still be empathetic and point them to other resources (such as their own family, or a bank), rather than sending anything yourself. 

As Bridgette puts it, “stay confident and enjoy your online interactions by being cautious. Don't share too much personal information and trust your instincts. Remember, taking these precautions can help keep you safe and make your online experiences enjoyable.”

Protect your family 

While protecting your financial security when dating, you may want to consider the financial security of your loved ones. 

Seniors Life Insurance offers peace of mind for you and your family, helping you to rest easier. Learn more and request a quote today.

18 Sep 2024